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• Click the Refresh button, but don't call me, I'm sick of helping your ass when you don't get it. I'm not the fucking "best friend help desk".
  
• If you typed the page address in the Address bar, make sure that it is spelled correctly. Knowing you it's spelled wrong. In fact I guarantee it's wrong. I've seen you misspell the word "the".
  
• To check your connection settings, jiggle the cable. Stick a fork in the ram, or put a Q-Tip in the fan at the back of your pc while it's on and get a face full of dust. I bet you did that already though didn't you? And you just don't want to admit it. Click the Tools menu; there should be a picture of you since you ARE a Tool and then click Internet Options, now enter your Visa or Mastercard information in your digital signature, don't forget your expiration date, and send me an e-mail. Thanks pal, I'll get an extra DVD for you from Amazon.com with your credit card. On the Connections tab, click Settings. The settings should match those provided by your local area network (LAN) administrator or Internet service provider (ISP). Chances are you're using AOL anyway... and they can't get their head out of their ass, but they can say hi to you since your head is planted firmly in the same ass.
  
• If your Network Administrator has enabled it, Microsoft Windows can examine your network and automatically discover network connection settings. Hell, Microsoft can examine everything you do, they can even SEE you right now sitting there with your pen in your ear or smelling your finger. Microsoft is at this very moment secretly connected to your computer and downloading all the information you have stored in it and watching you like a fat kid watches a friend eat a chocolate bar. Big brother? I think Bill Gates would have given even George Orwell nightmares.
  If you would like Windows to use your identity to apply for a Blockbuster card so they can keep a copy of Hackers for 3 weeks, then click Detect Nitwit Settings. You know all those mp3's and that porn that you cleverly hid in your c:\windows directory to fool your husband, wife, boss, or even your parents? Not only do they see it, they are making copies of it for personal use. Remember that firewall isn't going to protect you, THEY fucking made it.
  
• Some sites require 128-bit connection security. But that's all a really really bad joke being played on you. The word "security" and "internet" shouldn't be in the same sentence. Right now your Visa number is on about... 2,500 different websites. Not to mention your private e-mail is being handed out to more porn spammers than the number of times AOL tried to give you ONE MONTH FREE on a CD in the back of your favorite magazine.
  
• If you are trying to reach a secure site, make sure your Security settings can support it. A reminder for those of you who have your feet up and a grin on your face as you read this, if you're looking at porn, and I know you are, your wife pretends she doesn't know shit, but she checks the history and the temporary internet folders while you're in the bathroom reading your magazine for 26 minutes. She knows what you're doing. Don't even feel confident she doesn't. Wanna know why she doesn't mention it? Because now she is justified in having that affair on icq with some guy name Raul. But here is the funny part Mr. Wizard, SHE knows how to delete her logs and history and pretend she doesn't know how "this internet thing works but wants to learn". You're on the way to the couch after you "turn on the computer for your baby" while she just wants to surf the Martha Stewart website, but the second you leave the room, she's checking her 15 hotmail accounts for "RE: Your Hot Picture". You are not even HALF as smart as you think you are pal. Once again, a reminder to click the Tools menu, I swear, there will be a picture of you in there somewhere, and then click Internet Options. Yours are limited since you just now realized that not only is your wife cheating on you, but some 15 year old kid in Miami just bought the entire Eminem music library on CD AND DVD and charged it to your credit card.
  
• I would like to add ladies, if you think that was funny, wait until you find out how many times your boyfriend/husband has pretended to be a lesbian so he could talk to other lesbians on mIRC when you went to bed early. Chances are the other "Lesbian" was some middle aged guy named Norman who lives in a trailer in Salt Lake City. Not only is he balding and wearing a T shirt that says "Hard Rock Cafe Vegas" but the only other thing he's wearing besides a shit eating grin is a pair of  underwear that's older than a 1977 penny. Also ladies, take a good look at the mouse you're holding right now, you might want to get a wet cloth and some anti-bacterial soap. Men don't know how to use Hotmail because they can't even remember what they had for lunch today, so there is no way they can recall some obscure password, god forbid. But remember a couple weeks back when he told you in passing about that software he ordered online that the computer really needed? The same software that he ordered on the Visa? Well that "software" is actually a subscription to the personal webcam homepage for a playboy model at http://www.trishacampbell.com/ Wheee isn't this fun? Learning about your mate? I just can't get enough.
   
• Click the Back button to try another life, cause you obviously just can't seem to get the hang of this one. Good luck. Quit your job and move to Mexico... oh and that grinding noise your hard drive is making right now... isn't me erasing your c:/ drive. Honest. Oh wow, is this YOU in c:/Temp/me.jpg?